I hit 55k
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A continuation of the rock climbing trip:
“Repelling is what today is all about!”
My stomach dropped. Repelling? Like scaling down a cliff with your own life in your hands? No way I was going to do that.
We all gathered around the same climbing instructors that helped us the previous day. They explained the technicalities and led us over to a cliff. I was never a good judge of how high things are from the ground, but I knew it was high. Too high. Paige volunteered to go first, which came to no one’s surprise.
Slowly one by one each girl got her harness fastened and hooked into the rope and slowly backed right off the cliff. When I finally came to my turn I froze in place. I couldn’t do it. I refused to put my back to the edge of the cliff. Angela walked over and I took a breath, before she got a single word out I went for it. Sitting back into the harness and slowly lowering myself off the cliff. As I got halfway down my anxiety and fear disappeared.
By the time my feet hit the ground I was feeling accomplished. I unclipped from the rope and took a step back seeing Kristin come up to the edge of the cliff and start repelling down. I looked away and started walking over to join the other girls when I heard a scream. I looked back at Kristin, she had somehow managed to get twisted backwards. Immediately I knew something was wrong. She managed to get down to the ground but stumbled and fell as if she was dizzy.
“Are you okay? What happened?” I asked her panicked for her sake.
“I hit my head. I’m okay.” She said but I could tell that was far from the truth.
I rushed up to her and took her arm around my neck helping her stumble towards the rest of the group.
“Hey! We need help!” I hollered over to Kelly and Angela. “She hit her head really bad.”
Angela came walking up to us briskly. She ran her hand through Kristin’s hair looking for any bump or blood.
“I don’t see anything, Kristin you’ll be okay just go sit down.” She said dismissively.
I didn’t leave her side. I knew she had most likely gotten a concussion by the way she was acting. We found a rock to sit on and Kristin put her head in her hands and groaned.
“Are you going to be okay?” I asked concerned
“I’ll be okay, but everything is fuzzy.” She mumbled in a very concerning slurred way.
We waited for the rest of the girls to finish coming off of the cliff and we started getting packed up. I kept hold of her arm to help her steady her feet. We slowly made our way back to the bus, I looked up just in time to see Sophie fall and start screaming. She had fallen on a sharp rock. Blood started pooling at her feet. Horrified, I saw a deep gash on her knee down to the bone. I stood there in shock, but quickly snapped out of it. I yelled for one of the adults.
Kelly and Angela quickly came to help. They determined very quickly that she needed stitches and needed to go to the hospital. They swiftly got her into one of the separate vehicles. I made a bold decision to speak up.
“If you guys are already going to the hospital, Kristin should go too.” I pleaded with them.
Angela looked back and stated,
“Kristin will be fine, Sophie needs medical attention. If you’re so concerned about Kristin then just sit by her on the bus.”
Her dismissive response made my blood boil. But I accepted the responsibility and sat next to her on the bus trip home. About 30 minutes remained of the drive when Kristin started throwing up. I didn’t know much about head injuries but I knew this couldn’t be a good sign.
I called for Kelly as calmly as I could, trying not to make Kristin panic any more than she already was. She glanced back from the front of the bus before turning her attention elsewhere.
“She’s just carsick. She’ll be fine.”
I looked down at the vomit on the floor and then back at Kristin, whose eyes stayed half-closed as she leaned against the window. No one checked on her again for the rest of the drive. I sat beside her, holding onto the hope that someone would finally take her to a doctor once we got back. For all the talk about keeping us safe, it became painfully clear that our well-being only seemed to matter when it was impossible to ignore.
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56k lets go!
In case anyone missed the first part of my book I posted in another thread. Here is Chapter One and Two
Nothing as it ought to be.
Driving up that mountainous road, my parents sat in the front of the car. Staring at my phone wondering if I had enough cell service to send one last text. I typed out a quick “goodbye” text to my best friend Maggie and hit send, watching that circle on the corner of my phone screen spin and spin and finally got the rejection message “this text cannot be sent right now, please try again later”.
“How much further?” I ask my parents.
“About another 20 minutes I think” states my dad.
My stomach does a flip flop. Torn between excitement and terror.
We are on our way to an all girls boarding school in the mountains of Utah. “Evergreen Creek Christian School” I saw the brochure, tons of hiking, swimming, rock climbing, horseback riding. It looked halfway decent considering the reason why I was being taken there.
I wasn’t your typical 14 year old girl, or maybe I was and just too conditioned to think my experience in life was abnormal. My life had been pretty great up until the age of 13. Oh yes, I started getting nostalgic thinking about the times before things turned bad.
You can say I was your typical rebellious teenager, sneaking my parents alcohol, experimenting with drugs. But never hard drugs, no that scene wasn’t for me. I’m just talking about the occasional Xanax or Adderall. I wasn’t an addict, not even close.
My parents said something but I was too caught up in my head to hear what they said. I looked out the front window. There was a very long one lane bridge crossing over a river. This is it I thought. We are officially outside of normal civilization.
Several minutes later we turned onto a long dirt driveway. A large wooden lodge comes into view. It’s a two story building with natural pine siding, a large covered porch on the front with a few chairs and one table. I look over to the left and there’s a small barn, I see a couple of goats. To the right of the building there was a covered car port large enough to cover a short school bus and two SUVs. There were a few other cars there too, I assumed for the staff at the school.
My parents finally park the car, now ■■■■ is about to get real. I freeze and I realize this is it, it’s your new life. I step out of the vehicle, we are at the side of the building, I see some stairs that led up to a glass door and many windows. I got one of my suitcases from the trunk and just stood there. The glass door opens, a middle aged woman maybe in her 50s steps out and smiles.
“You must be Hanna! Come on in through here, you got all your things alright?” She asked glancing at my mom and dad who each had some of my belongings
“No we got them, thank you…” My dad trailed off clearly trying to remember the woman’s name.
“It’s Angela, we spoke on the phone.” She still smiles that phony smile.
We brought my belongings inside the room. It was a tidy room, several desks with computers, a large filing cabinet, but what catches my eye is the huge dry erase calendar on the opposing wall. Angela puts her hand on my shoulder, “Your parents and I need to discuss a few details, come on through here, Mary will be there waiting for you”
I step through another door and realize I am now in the main part of the lodge, the door clicks behind me and I knew it automatically locked. A very pretty girl with brunette hair and fringe bangs, probably around 16 or 17, walks up to me. “Hi” She says, reaching out her hand “I’m Mary. Angela assigned you to me” I didn’t know what she meant by “assigned” but I didn’t question it. “Let me give you a basic tour for now, we can go more in depth over the next couple of days” I nodded to her, still not speaking a word.
She walked me over to where many wooden tables and chairs were. “This is the dining room, everyone is assigned a seat, we will get you put on the list so you know where to sit for lunch later on” She continues walking, turning a corner. “This is the kitchen” She states as I examine a very large kitchen, while it was large it wasn’t ‘industrial’ so to speak. She points to a door to the right of the kitchen “That’s Kevin’s office, we call it the therapy room. He’s probably in a session with someone so we can’t go in right now”
She led me out and I saw a bathroom, she pushed the door open and I saw two toilet stalls with no doors and a curtained shower area. “This is the main floor bathroom and shower. Yeah I know it’s shocking at first that there are no doors, but you’ll get used to it trust me, now do you want to see the classroom first or the dormitories?" She asks me.
Just then Angela walks up to us, “Hanna it’s time to say goodbye to your parents” She said in a sickly sweet tone. We walk back over to the door to the office, my parents are there. I gave each of them a quick hug and said a short “Goodbye” . I was still pretty mad at them for sending me here. They smiled at me and my mom said “You’ll see us soon enough! Write lots and we can talk on the phone!” I saw Angela and Mary lock eyes for a minute then looked away.
After my parents left, all of my belongings got brought into the common area. A woman walks up to me “Hi I am Ruth. So we need to go through your belongings before we can bring them upstairs to the dorm rooms.” She states in a friendly tone “Do you have anything we need to worry about? Any razors, knives, medications?”
“Oh uhh, just my shaving razor.” I state
“Oh we don’t allow those, we will have to take that from you. Alright lets look through this.” She starts sorting out all my things. My hygiene items. She starts setting things to one side and another. She took my electric toothbrush and put it next to my shaving razor.
“Why can’t I have my tooth brush?” I blurt out
“Oh, we’ve had problems with people using them for inappropriate reasons, we’ll get you a regular tooth brush” She keeps sorting. She finds my journal and opens it, flipping through the pages. “We are going to have to take this as well. We don’t let any outside writings come in here. We will get you a new journal just for use here.”
“Oh but I have some phone numbers and addresses in there, you know, to keep in touch with my friends?” I said starting to feel the panic rising in me more as we went on.
“You won’t be needing those numbers, Mary will explain all the rules later”
We finally got done going through my belongings, they placed all my things in a laundry basket for easy transport up to the dorm rooms. “Okay Hanna we need to do a body check on you before you can change into your new uniform. It’s up to you, would you prefer it be just me and you and would you like Mary to come inside too?” She asks me.
Body check? What is that, oh gosh I hope it’s not a strip search. I thought to myself
“Just with you is fine” I replied. If I really was going to have to strip I’d like to have as little people as possible witness this.
We walked into the nurses room and the door clicked behind us. This was a solid door, no windows. There was a window to the outside but there was a curtain drawn.
“Alright take off all your clothes” Ruth states sounding impatient
I slowly took off my shirt and jeans. “Socks and underwear too please” She states.
I freeze. I did not want to get completely naked, surely I could leave my bra and underwear on. I stalled. “Look, the quicker you undress the quicker you can get redressed” She says
I obliged. Standing there awkwardly completely naked. I was ashamed of the cuts up and down my legs that I had done last night. To my horror Ruth pulls out a sheet of paper with the outline of a body on it. She starts counting each and every cut or scar. I just wanted to be out of there, it seemed to take forever. She then had me hop up and down and squat and cough. Finally with that out of the way she lets me put my underwear and bra back on after she shakes them out to make sure there was nothing hidden.
“Wait here, I’m going to have Mary get you your uniform so you can put that on immediately.” So I sat in my underwear in that chair, I started to shiver.
Ruth comes back into the room holding a maroon polo shirt and a khaki skirt. I quickly got dressed, thankful the uniform fit in whatever size they picked. I could feel my face burning with embarrassment. Mary grabbed the laundry basket with my things and I picked up my bedding. We headed up the staircase. There was a long hallway going down both sides of the staircase. There weren’t many rooms, only 6 dorm rooms, there was an entrance into a long and narrow room. I saw many sets of drawers on one side and on the other there was an upper shelf with a clothing rod to hang up clothes. We walked down the room to an empty set of drawers. I could see a name tag labeled “Hannah” on the top of the set of drawers. It annoyed me when people misspelled my name.
“Hey my name doesn’t have an H on the end” I said quietly to Mary.
“Oh no worries we can get a new one for you in a little bit” She responded.
I unpacked my clothing into the dresser, I saw I already had three more polo shirts and two more skirts hanging in my section of the closet. I assumed they were the same size as the ones they gave me. I was only allowed my underwear and bras, socks and pajamas. I assumed all the rest of the time I would be wearing this uniform. I also noticed two maroon workout shirts hanging there which I was assuming was for gym time. In the dresser I saw two pairs of khaki shorts. Also for the gym I gathered.
I was given a plastic container with handles to put in all my hygiene items. It was then that I realized I didn’t have my conditioner. “Oh I think you forgot my conditioner, see I have my shampoo here but…” Mary cut me off “You can’t have anything with alcohol in the ingredients, most conditioner has it. I’d recommend putting on your purchase order for some 2 in 1 stuff. Better than just shampoo at least.” Who would be desperate enough to drink the conditioner of all things.
We exited the closet and I saw the bathroom, 3 stalls and no doors and another two showers with curtains and a long counter with 5 sinks. Mary steered me towards room 5. We walked into the dorm room, there were 3 bunk beds, rustic wooden style bunks. “You’ll have the bunk here” Mary said pointing to the bottom bunk of one of the beds. My gut clenched. I was extremely claustrophobic and that bunk didn’t seem like the top bed was very high off of the bottom one. I didn’t want to make a fuss so I just got busy making the bed with my zebra print blanket and blue sheets.
Mary patiently waited for me to make my bed and then we headed back downstairs.
“We are not allowed to come upstairs to the dorm rooms after 7am in the morning till 8pm at night after medications. We have to either be in the classroom, common area or the dining room.”
“Do we ever get to go outside?” I asked, fearing the answer
“Oh yeah we go outside all the time, some girls are assigned to take care of the goats everyday, and we go on plenty of walks as a group. Also the gym is located over there in the outer building" She said. I was relieved to hear that. Now that I was getting my bearings in the lodge it started to seem smaller and smaller.
“Only thing I will add, is that we aren’t allowed outside without an upper level present or a staff member” She said
“Upper level?” I asked confused
“Ahh yes we haven’t gone over the rules and structure of the school yet, let me get the paperwork from Angela and we can get started on that. No one expects you to remember all 151 rules listed in the handbook, so you’ll have a grace period of a week where you won’t get into trouble if you forget something. And that’s what I am here for. I’m assigned to you, which means I have the responsibility of teaching you the ropes of things here.” Mary marched me over to the common area and told me to sit down, she knocked on the office door and Angela came to answer it. “I need Hanna’s handbook and rule packet. Please.” That “please” was an afterthought I realized with amusement.
Once the handbook and packet were in our possession, Mary led us over to the dining area and sat down at a table. She motioned for me to sit across from her. She put two extremely thick packets on the table, they were too thick for normal staples so they had the black metal clips on them.
“Okay so this handbook you can go through at your own pace, it’s yours to keep. There’s the daily schedules in there, definitely look over them in your spare time. But what we really need to go over is the rule book. We had to initial next to every rule as we read them, and like I said there are 151 rules so this may take us a while.” I raised my eyebrows at her. 151 rules, that’s crazy! I thought to myself.
“Rule number one, no swearing.” She read and we both initialed next to the rule. What an odd rule to start with.
“Rule number two, no food is allowed upstairs in the dorms” We both initialed again. On and on it went, the simplest smallest rules first then they got more specific.
“Rule 56 no student may have physical contact with another outside of a hug lasting no more than 3 seconds.” 3 seconds, how did they come up with that number?
“Rule 73 there will be no homosexual behaviors towards other students, staff members or guests” What did they think I was gonna do, make out with Angela? I started to chuckle to myself. There were so many specific rules.
“Rule 80 no phone calls outside of approved therapy sessions,”
“Rule 91 no incoming/outgoing mail outside of approved contacts.”
“Who is an approved contact?” I started to feel suffocated so I asked Mary.
“ Ahh normally its just your parents and sometimes a positive sibling or a grand parent, but you can’t send or receive any mail until you’ve earned that privilege.”
“How long does it take?” I ask with more rising concern.
“Depends on how well you work your program. I’ve seen some girls get it in 3 weeks, other more headstrong individuals I have seen go 3 to 4 months without those privileges"
“And what about the phone calls, when will I be able to make calls to my friends or my parents”
“Ah. You’ll have phone therapy sessions with your parents after you’ve read your Commitment letter that they will send. As for the friends, you’ll never get to talk to them on the phone. You can’t just talk to whoever you want, you know or else there would be so many issues around the house. I suggest you put your old friends out of your mind. Make new friends here, just focus on working your program.” Mary explained
We finally made it through the list of rules but I noticed there were still several pages in the packet.
“Okay so we’ve gone over the rules, but we need to talk about what happens when you break the rules” Mary said, sounding bored. “You want me to read this to you or can you read it on your own?”
“I can read it to myself, that’s fine.” I replied as I read.
Consequences:
For lesser rule breaking or for first time offences staff may at their discretion assign a 500 word self reflective essay. For second offences and more serious rule breaking the student may be required to spend time in the gravel pit and be assigned manuel labor hours. For general offenses one consequence will consist of 10 gravel hill runs and no less than 2 hours of manual labor. All of these consequences must be completed on Saturday mornings and throughout the day on Saturday. For repeated offences and any major rule infractions the student might be placed on the “Board”. If a student is on the board, their privileges are severely restrained, as outlined in the following section.
All students will abide by the strict level system. Every student entering this school for the first time will enter on a level 2. Level 1 is below 2, you get assigned level 1 if you break the rules or do not follow the code of conduct as outlined. At level 1 you are severely restricted, no condiments, salt or pepper, nothing but water to drink. No desert. Self reflection time must take place during free time, the student will not be able to participate in Saturday night movies. If staff feel like a level 1 status is not being effective enough the next course of action is to be put on the board. While a level 1 is on the board, they must complete 8 labor hours per week and 10 gravel hill runs every week regardless if there is another consequence or not.
For students in extreme resistance they may be placed in solo self reflection time, for a duration of no less than 24 hours and will be as long as the student keeps resistance.
To move up the levels you must earn enough staff and peer points. We have levels 1-5. Level 4 and above are considered “upper levels”. There will be additional privileges for these students thriving and working their program. Upper levels will be responsible for monitoring other lower level students to ensure everyone is staying on task and being respectful of the rules and code of conduct. Upper levels get to move into the “top dog” room when there’s availability in that dorm room. They may wear their own clothing that’s preapproved prior to wearing them.
What’s the point? If a student gets selected for level 5 this is the first step towards discharge. A student must achieve level 5 and hold it for 4 months before being eligible for graduation from the program. Additional requirements must be met before graduation. There will be an additional handbook specifically for upper level students that goes over in detail what is required to graduate the program.
I look over at Mary, not really comprehending what i was reading “So this whole level system. That’s how you get out of here?”
“Yep it plays an important part in it, there are of course other things you must be demonstrating and there are other requirements but you don’t need to know about those till you are an upper level yourself.” She smirks “I am a level 4, hopefully I will be moving to level 5 soon thanks to my assignment!”
“Your assignment?” I ask
“Yes, YOU are my assignment.” She says amused “Any other questions on the level system or consequences?”
“Uhh yeah, what does ‘solo reflection time’ mean exactly?” I asked timidly
“Oh you don’t need to worry about that, I have a feeling you are going to be a stickler to the rules and you will stay out of trouble” My curiosity grew but i decided to leave the conversation there.
All of a sudden I heard a loud bell sound and I looked over. A short blonde girl was ringing a bell by the stairs to the daylight basement. “Lunch time” She called with a shaky voice. I heard the scuffing of chairs and the shuffling of many feet coming up the stairs. I sat there in the chair until Mary nudged me to move. I stood up and grabbed the two paper packets off the table.
“You are sitting here on the end” Ruth said coming up to me holding a laminated paper and pointing to my name on the seating chart. “Hannah”
“Oh um okay thanks, oh and by the way my name is spelled without the H on the end” This was the second time today and it really annoyed me.
“Oh sorry about that, we will fix it later.” Ruth said brushing it off.
The girls got up in an orderly fashion and lined up in front of the kitchen serving area. Mary motioned for me to follow.
“I’m really not hungry” I stated, noticing it was some sort of enchilada and rice they were serving.
“You must eat at least the minimum serving, or else you will get a consequence. Well you are in your grace period, but best to get into the flow of things now while you can”
“As little as possible please” I say as I took my plate and held it out and the girl serving the food served me. She gave me a single enchilada and some rice on the side.
“Do you want fruit?” She asked motioning to a three tiered fruit basket with bananas, apples and oranges. “You are allowed one piece with lunch” She told me. I smiled and reached for an orange.
Mary and I walked back to the table and sat down. She looked at me staring at the orange. “Ahh yeah you’ll have to use your finger nails to peel that, we don’t get knives”
I looked at her and couldn’t help but smile. I held out my hands for her to see my nails. They were all trimmed extremely short and I had no length on them.
“Oh those won’t do,” she said laughing. She grabbed the orange out of my hand and peeled it for me.
“So tell me Hanna, why are you here?” Mary asked in between bites.
“Oh I uhh… well my parents didn’t know what to do with me.” I said
“That’s why we all are here, I mean what’s your vice? Drugs? Drinking? Casual sex?”
“Oh umm, mental health problems I guess. That and my parents found out I was sleeping with my best friend. They didn’t like that at all.” I replied, I didn’t really want to go into detail but Mary looked interested.
“Your best friend? Was it a girl or a guy?” She inquired, seeming way too interested
“Oh her name is Maggie ” I said, my face flushing, hoping she wasn’t a devout Christian who hates homosexuals.
“Oh… well you know Morgan is gay too.” She paused, really making an emphasis on the word gay. “I mean it’s sort of obvious, and everyone knows. I didn’t peg you as that type but I don’t judge.” She said with a shrug “But I will warn you if you try anything with a girl in here your life will be over. It’s not worth the risk. Does the staff know?” she asked, speaking a little bit quieter.
“I think they do, I mean I am sure my parents told them. I’m not about to go offering up information though.”
We had finished our food and got up to help clear the table. We took our dishes to the kitchen. I noticed some other girls doing the dishes, a different group than who served us.
“Do we all work in the kitchen?” I asked Mary
“Oh yes. Everyone had breakfast and lunch duty once a week, and on another day you got either dinner prep or clean up. The roster will be posted on the bulletin board. Let me go show you the board, there’s lots of info there.”
We walked down the hall towards the nurses room. To the right of the door there was a large bulletin board with many laminated papers. There was the shower roster, apparently I had a 6am slot in the basement shower room. It looked like we got 20 minute slots. I saw chore assignments although my name wasn’t on that sheet yet. I saw the kitchen assignments. I was assigned breakfast/lunch duty on Fridays and dinner prep on Tuesday nights. I saw that Mary was also assigned the same, I figured they did that on purpose.
“So since today is Wednesday, after dinner we have group in the common room. Angela normally leads it.” Mary told me, steering me away from the board. “It’ll be good, that way you can introduce yourself to everyone at once.”
My stomach turned into a knot, I did not like speaking in front of a lot of people.
“So what now until dinner?” I asked, wishing I had my schedule from my packet, feeling like a invalid not knowing the basics.
“We go back to school till 4pm, you won’t be set up in our school system yet but I need to do some work. You can come downstairs and pick a book to read, we have a small library down there. Mostly self help books and inspirational biographies, but some are interesting.” She said turning the corner to go downstairs.
The basement was actually a daylight basement which meant you could walk outside right from the basement door. I noticed an area where the outdoor coats were hung up and shoes were in labeled bins right next to a glass door. The basement was very large, on one side there was a glass office room that seemed to have more rooms behind it. Behind the staircase there were four very large book shelves, there was another bathroom, the laundry room was tucked away by the bathroom. I noticed three very large freezers in the laundry room where they stored meat and other frozen items needed for the meals here. The rest of the room was lined with desks with very old computers.
“Most of us do an online schooling program, don’t get smart in thinking you can message your friends on Facebook or anything. All websites are blocked outside of the schooling program.” Mary sat down at a desk and started up the computer. “Go find a book and come back and sit next to me. You are assigned to me so I can’t let you out of my sight for your grace period week”
I browsed the book shelves for something decent. I saw A Child Called ‘IT’ . I think my mom read that book once. I took it off the shelf and walked back to the classroom, most of the seats were taken by other girls. As I walked by they stared, but no one spoke. I pulled up a chair next to Mary.
“Have you ever read this?” I asked, showing her the book.
Turned away from the computer and glanced at the book.
“Yeah it’s a sad book, but an interesting read I suppose.” She replied so quietly I could barely hear her. “During school time we can’t talk, unless you need the bathroom or something just go ahead and read, we get to go upstairs at 4pm.”
I glanced at my watch, it was only 1:30pm. Great I thought over two hours to just sit here? I opened the book and began to read.
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Prologue
The past two years had been some of the hardest of my life. I was trying to navigate friendships, family, growing up, and emotions I didn’t know how to handle. Looking back, I don’t think there was a single turning point I can blame for when everything went wrong. It was an accumulation of small moments, disappointments, and struggles that slowly built into something overwhelming.
It started when I was thirteen and quietly battling depression. That’s also when the self-harm began. I managed to hide it from my parents for six months until I confided in a youth leader at church. She told my parents.
I was furious. At the time, it felt like the ultimate betrayal. Looking back now, I understand she was trying to protect me, but in that moment it felt like my world had been turned upside down.
My parents enrolled me in therapy and signed me up for a local homeschool co-op so I could spend time with other teenagers. Unfortunately, neither solved what was happening inside my head. I continued struggling in secret.
At the co-op I made a new best friend. She quickly became more than just a friend to me—my first real crush. That relationship ended badly, and eventually I was asked to leave the co-op.
Around that same time I found a new group of friends through my church youth group: Maggie, Jane, Jake, and Luis. Looking back, we weren’t good for one another. We all struggled with self-harm, and instead of helping each other heal, we encouraged one another in unhealthy ways.
Shortly after I turned fourteen, my mental health took another turn when the whispers began.
At first they were barely noticeable, but over time they became impossible to ignore. They called me degrading names, told me I was worthless, and urged me to hurt myself. My doctors started me on antipsychotic medications, but they didn’t seem to help. We tried medication after medication, yet my condition continued to worsen until suicidal thoughts consumed me.
My parents learned how bad things had become and continued encouraging me to go to therapy, hoping something would finally help. Eventually everything became too much.
Less than two weeks before Christmas, I was admitted to a local adolescent behavioral health hospital. During that week, things stabilized a little. Maybe it was the medication. Maybe it was the structure and constant supervision. Maybe it was simply being somewhere that felt temporarily safe. Whatever the reason, I improved enough to be discharged a few days before Christmas.
The stability didn’t last.
Only a couple of days after returning home, my parents sat me down and told me they had decided to send me to a therapeutic boarding school in the mountains of Utah called Evergreen Creek.
I searched for it online and found the same polished brochure my parents had been reading. The pictures showed smiling teenagers, beautiful scenery, and promises of healing.
It didn’t seem so bad.
If anything, I hoped it would be better than being at home.
A week after Christmas, I said goodbye to my friends and family. My parents loaded the car, and we began the drive toward what I thought would be the place that would finally help me.
I had no idea how wrong I was.
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Making real progress. Roughly 18k words to go
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I hit the big number!
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The second parent seminar.
The day finally came where I was able to see my parents again. Another parent seminar was hosted at the local hotel’s conference room. I felt anxious to see them and also partially petrified. This was to be the first time seeing them since the liar thing blew up. We only had one phone call since they decided to talk to me again. We had a total of 6 weeks with no contact. I itched to talk to them again but the shameful feeling of what happened continued to linger in the air.
When the bus pulled up to the hotel parking lot. My heart began to race. My hands turned cold and trembled. Every step toward the hotel felt heavier than the last. I stepped down off of the bus and began to walk towards the lobby entrance, Kristin at my side. I glanced at her and she gave me a kind smile. She knew how big this day was for me.
When we all got into the lobby we had a seat in the chairs and waited for Kevin and Angela to come bring us into the conference room to meet our parents. I had spoken to Kevin and my parents the week leading up to this seminar. We had made arrangements to have lunch at the hotel with Kevin present because I was too scared to be alone with my parents.
Finally we all filed into the small conference room and I saw my parents in the corner of the room.. They were smiling but it didn’t quite reach their eyes. I gave an awkward side hug to my mom and dad. When lunch was announced my parents and I joined Kevin at the staff table with my mom’s packed lunch. All the other families went out to eat at local restaurants. Not us.
I sat at the table not making eye contact with my parents. I was too ashamed and embarrassed to talk much. My parents mostly conversed back and forth with Kevin as I picked apart my turkey sandwich. It was possibly the most awkward moment I ever felt with them. Finally lunch hour was over and we went back to the chairs. I decided to make conversation.
“I’m really excited, summer horseback riding is starting in a couple weeks! We will be able to go on trail rides every Friday!” I said enthusiastically, finally starting to relax.
My parents glanced at each other.
My dad answered.
“Actually, we aren’t signing the permission slip for horseback riding.”
It felt as though everything inside me dropped. Just seconds earlier I’d been smiling, finally believing the weekend might turn around.
“What?! Why?!” I spluttered feeling anger at first
“We don’t feel like you’ve earned it. You need to realize that those lies you told have consequences.” My dad said it all in an even tone.
My anger disappeared and got replaced with shame and sadness. I felt fresh tears prick at my face.
“But you know how much this means to me. And I have been working really hard on being honest and accountable and….” My dad cut me off,
“We aren’t changing our minds on this decision so we can either move on or we will leave.”
Leave?
I started to sob into my hands, it was all too much. Once I started crying I couldn’t stop.
My parents stood up from their chairs my dad quickly said,
“I can see we will not be productive in this seminar with you today so we are going to head home.”
My parents walked over to Kevin at the staff desk and talked in a low voice, then I watched to my horror as my parents left the conference room. I didn’t move, I was still crying too hard to see. I felt someone walk up to me and put a hand on my shoulder. I looked up through eyes blurred by tears and saw Angela.
“Come on Hanna, come sit with us at the staff table. It’ll be okay.” She had an unusually soft tone.
I got up and followed her to the staff table. Tears were still falling, I made brief eye contact with Kristin and her family. She gave me a sympathetic look then turned her attention back to her parents. I saw her parents glance at me and I could almost see pity in their eyes.
For the remaining four hours in the seminar I sat behind the staff table, Kevin and Angela rotating out here and there. Eventually the tears stopped, replaced by the all-too-familiar numbness. I watched with envy as the other families worked on the tasks they were given. I saw a range of emotions in each family sitting with their daughters. Some smiles and a few tears. But the overall feeling in the room was a positive one.
My heart ached for my parents. Why couldn’t I have just held it together. I was also seeing some anger surface. My parents knew how much horseback riding meant to me. It used to be my whole life before being sent here. I was using the upcoming riding trips as an anchor of hope to hold on to.
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Here’s a little humor piece thrown in the middle of a serious chapter.
When all of us sat down to dinner, a whisper went around the tables. I’m not sure whose idea it was initially but soon enough all the girls were in on it. I heard snickering and giggles. Kelly and Paula had both gone to the office. We all waited holding our breath, ready with the plan.
Kelly opened the office door and Paula followed her out, both of them headed over to the dining room. That was our signal. All at once, every girl started dramatically fake choking and falling over off the benches pretending to die. The look on Kelly and Paula’s faces was hilarious. They first were shocked and mortified, then it changed.
“Ladies! Whatever possessed you to think this was a good idea?!” Kelly shouted at us.
We all began to pick ourselves up off the floor and climb back onto the benches.
“Every one of you is getting a write up!” She yelled angrily. “You all are on silence for the rest of the night.”
I smiled slightly and laughed to myself. It was worth it for the few seconds of terror that we saw on Kelly and Paula’s faces. We all ate our dinner in silence, careful not to speak a word because that would make the consequence worse. After dinner and med call that night, we all did our night time hygiene in silence. That one moment of humor gave me a small window of hope. Things weren’t all bad. I laid in my bunk staring at the ceiling, thoughts circling my mind until I drifted off to sleep.
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April 29th when I started this thread I was a little over 20k. Now I am approaching 60k its so wild
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Here is a completed chapter. I know I shared the beginning part earlier but here it is with the ending
The second parent seminar.
The day finally came where I was able to see my parents again. Another parent seminar was hosted at the local hotel’s conference room. I felt anxious to see them and also partially petrified. This was to be the first time seeing them since the liar thing blew up. We only had one phone call since they decided to talk to me again. We had a total of 5 weeks with no contact. I itched to talk to them again but the shameful feeling of what happened continued to linger in the air.
When the bus pulled up to the hotel parking lot. My heart began to race. My hands turned cold and trembled. Every step toward the hotel felt heavier than the last. I stepped down off of the bus and began to walk towards the lobby entrance, Kristin at my side. I glanced at her and she gave me a kind smile. She knew how big this day was for me.
When we all got into the lobby we had a seat in the chairs and waited for Kevin and Angela to come bring us into the conference room to meet our parents. I had spoken to Kevin and my parents the week leading up to this seminar. We had made arrangements to have lunch at the hotel with Kevin present because I was too scared to be alone with my parents.
Finally we all filed into the small conference room and I saw my parents in the corner of the room.. They were smiling but it didn’t quite reach their eyes. I gave an awkward side hug to my mom and dad. When lunch was announced my parents and I joined Kevin at the staff table with my mom’s packed lunch. All the other families went out to eat at local restaurants. Not us.
I sat at the table not making eye contact with my parents. I was too ashamed and embarrassed to talk much. Kevin asked my parents how they thought my progress had been over the past month. They nodded politely, talking about accountability and honesty while I tore tiny pieces off my sandwich and pushed them around my plate. It was possibly the most awkward moment I ever felt with them. Finally lunch hour was over and we went back to the chairs. I decided to make conversation.
“I’m really excited, summer horseback riding is starting in a couple weeks! We will be able to go on trail rides every Friday!” I said enthusiastically, finally starting to relax.
My parents glanced at each other.
My dad answered.
“Actually, we aren’t signing the permission slip for horseback riding.”
It felt as though everything inside me dropped. Just seconds earlier I’d been smiling, finally believing the weekend might turn around. I stared at him, waiting for the rest of the sentence. Surely there was a condition. Maybe if I kept improving. Maybe after another month.
Nothing came.
“What?! Why?!” I spluttered feeling anger at first
“We don’t feel like you’ve earned it. You need to realize that those lies you told have consequences.” My dad said it all in an even tone.
My anger disappeared and got replaced with shame and sadness. I felt fresh tears prick at my face.
“But you know how much this means to me. And I have been working really hard on being honest and accountable and….” My dad cut me off,
“We aren’t changing our minds on this decision so we can either move on or we will leave.”
Leave?
I started to sob into my hands, it was all too much. Once I started crying I couldn’t stop.
My parents stood up from their chairs my dad quickly said,
“I can see we will not be productive in this seminar with you today so we are going to head home.”
My parents walked over to Kevin at the staff desk and talked in a low voice, then I watched to my horror as my parents left the conference room. The room carried on around me. Chairs scraped across the carpet. Parents talked quietly with their daughters. Somewhere someone laughed. I sat frozen in my chair, staring at the doorway they’d just disappeared through. I didn’t move, I was still crying too hard to see. I felt someone walk up to me and put a hand on my shoulder. I looked up through eyes blurred by tears and saw Angela.
“Come on Hanna, come sit with us at the staff table. It’ll be okay.” She had an unusually soft tone.
I got up and followed her to the staff table. Tears were still falling, I made brief eye contact with Kristin and her family. She gave me a sympathetic look then turned her attention back to her parents. I saw her parents glance at me and I could almost see pity in their eyes.
For the remaining four hours in the seminar I sat behind the staff table, Kevin and Angela rotating out here and there. Eventually the tears stopped, replaced by the all-too-familiar numbness. I watched with envy as the other families worked on the tasks they were given. I saw a range of emotions in each family sitting with their daughters. Some smiles and a few tears. But the overall feeling in the room was a positive one.
My heart ached for my parents. Why couldn’t I have just held it together. I was also seeing some anger surface. My parents knew how much horseback riding meant to me. It used to be my whole life before being sent here. I was using the upcoming riding trips as an anchor of hope to hold on to.
After the workshop concluded the majority of the girls left to go on short visits with their parents. It was only Katie and myself left. Angela and Kelly said they were going to take us out to dinner as a special treat. That sounded good to me and like something neutral. We ended up going to a nice seafood restaurant. It felt surreal sitting in a normal restaurant while families around us laughed over dinner. Just hours earlier I’d watched my parents walk away from me, and now someone was asking whether I wanted extra bread. I got shrimp scampi and just allowed myself to enjoy the taste of normalcy for once.
As dinner slowed down and came to an end my thoughts circled back to my parents and how they were not going to let me go horseback riding. The one thing I had been looking forward to. I tried to shove my emotions aside. Deep down I felt like I actually deserved the punishment. I was the liar after all.
The several hour drive back to the lodge seemed to take forever. The sun was setting as we drove up the mountain pass. Katie sat next to me, the vehicle seemed so quiet without the other girls. A single tear leaked out as we drove. I brushed it away impatiently, I couldn’t break down now. I had to be strong. I had to move on and find something else to motivate me. I tried to think of the positives. I could stay home in the lodge and enjoy the quiet while most girls were out half the day on Friday horseback riding. My chest ached. It was a pain that I couldn’t describe. My parents still thought that I needed more punishment for what I had done and that hurt deep into my bones.
When the bus pulled up to the lodge it was already dark. Katie and I got off the bus and made our way to the back door and entered the school. It was Sunday night and we had to be up at 6am the next morning. All the girls who had stayed home from the seminar were already up in bed. Katie and I got our medications from Kelly and went straight up to bed. I climbed into the bunk and lay there awake. While things had not gone the way I wanted with my parents, I had still been able to see them again and that was a nice feeling. I closed my eyes and lay there awake.
Sleep did not come quickly and before I knew it the 6am alarm was going off and it was time to get up. I drug myself out of my bunk to rush down to shower. I felt like I had gotten basically no sleep. I felt sad and it was a moment before I realized why I felt that way. I chose to shove the sadness from my brain. I had to function and I had no time for tears. It was Monday and therefore another start to the school week. Somehow I missed my parents more today than before I saw them at the seminar yesterday. I felt like we had such a broken relationship and I had no idea how I was supposed to fix things with them.
I muddled through the morning routine, shower, breakfast, clean up, meds, exercise, and then school time. Since it was Monday I knew we had to write our weekly letters home. I decided to pour out my emotions in that letter. I begged my parents to forgive me. I promised them that I was going to be completely honest from here on out. I expressed to them how thankful I was that I got to see them yesterday and I profusely apologized for breaking down when they told me no to the horseback riding activity. I tried to express to them the reason why that hit me so hard.
I finished my letter to them and read it back through. I really poured my heart out in that letter. If they didn’t respond I was going to be heartbroken. I took a deep breath and mentally pushed aside the letter. If they were going to respond, then they would respond. It was out of my hands now.
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With August came warm weather and dried grass. One particular Sunday we went to the local Baptist church we always went to, although something happened that I will always be grateful for. After church one of the ladies approached Kelly and started a conversation with her. I was standing nearby and overheard bits and pieces of information. The key words I picked up were “horses” and “dressage”. My interest was spiked as we made our trek home from church. Kelly didn’t speak about what had been said but curiosity held onto me.
Dressage was a type of horseback riding that I used to do before coming to Evergreen Creek. It was such a specific term to be used in everyday conversation. On Monday when Angela got to the school she had been informed of the conversation. Monday evening she called myself, Katie and Adrian over to one of the dining tables.
“So ladies I have some exciting news for you. Karen at the church we attend, informed Kelly that there is a woman nearby who has a horse farm and is interested in giving lessons out of her barn. She offered to do this for free.” Angela said
“I called you three specifically because I know you all used to ride before coming to Evergreen Creek. And unlike the trail rides we do on Fridays, she will only teach those with experience.”
“She wants to start two Mondays from now, so the only thing is to get permission from your parents. I’d recommend asking during your phone call this week.”
I couldn’t believe my ears. Dressage lessons? At Evergreen Creek? A sudden unwelcome thought came back into my mind. My parents had refused to give permission to let me go horseback riding on Fridays. What would I tell them to convince them to let me do this? Was my relationship with my parents in a good enough spot that they would allow me this? I didn’t want to get my hopes up.
As the week went on my stomach grew uneasy. On one hand I had this amazing possibility of riding horses again, on the other I had my parents who might not give permission. Thursday finally came and when it came time for my weekly phone call, Kevin already knew what I was going to ask. We discussed it earlier in the week during my one on one therapy session.
When 3pm came I made my way up to Kevin’s office and sat down. He dialed the number and my parents answered shortly after. We said our hellos and I caught them up on the week. It came time for my big question.
“So mom and dad, I have something I wanted to ask you.” I began.
“Yeah? What’s up Hanna?” My dad asked me.
“I found out this week that a local woman wants to give dressage lessons to a few girls here at Evergreen Creek.”
“The only thing is…” I took a breath, “I need your permission to go.”
There was a moment of silence then I went on.
“I know you didn’t let me do the Friday trail riding because I hadn’t shown enough accountability and honesty. But this is a huge opportunity and I really really want to do this and I hope you can see my effort…” I started to ramble on when my dad interrupted me,
“Hanna, slow down. The reason we didn’t give permission for you to go on the Friday rides is because we felt you needed to have a real consequence for what you did earlier this year.” My heart sank as he talked. I braced myself for the bit NO.
“But you have shown great progress and your mom and I no longer feel like you need to have further punishments. If this is something you want to do then we will allow it.”
I burst into happy tears.
“Thank you, thank you!” I said into the phone loudly.
The rest of the phone call went by quickly and I told my parents the items I needed to be sent to me so that I could start the lessons in two weeks.
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Guys I hit 60K!!!
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Finally, something went right! Good to hear.
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What’s your goal again?
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75-80k words. Probably 80k then I’ll edit out some things that don’t belong.
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Beautiful horses!
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Accomplished more than an essay here. When I do my goals for the month and my 6 month outreach goals I don’t include times or dates. That way I am not discouraged from the original goal that I have set or feel that I did bad or wrongly. Usually my goals take a different direction when I discover that there are things involved with them that I didn’t plan for. But out of my list of things that I have planned I usually accomplish one or two out of 6. In other words I get a C-. But small and small accomplishments are still worth living for.