Im having one of those days. It probably isn’t as bad as it sounds. But it’s one of them days.
I feel vulnerable. More than usual. Its been brewing for a few days. Ive been tearful. Its not Negative Symptoms. Ive been able to go about with my day. I went and did some gym work. Picked up Mother’s Day cards. Went and picked up a purchase. Went to the shops. Cleaned the house.
But I have a stronger feeling of hopelessness today. I know Im unwell, and I know how it impacts my life and my family. Im sick of it. Where could/would I be if my life was different? How much happier would I and my family be? And this then leads to the question; would it be better if I was gone?
And then naturally, with my spiritual sensibilities and my sense of duty - I snap back from that thought, and then feel horrendous guilt.
I was being moody and picky at my wife this morning. Demanded more time together, demanded many things actually. Then before she left for work, I burst into tears and said “Im just so sick of it. My life”. She had to hug and console me. Its probably set her up for an anxious day, and I feel horrendous about that also.
I dont know. Its just one of them days. Im ok though, Im safe and have no desire to exit. But Im not very happy today.
I’m very sorry…I feel like a ■■■■ up too today…it’s not your fault…you’re a hero for putting up with this illness and raising a family….don’t worry…it will get better.
I’m sorry you’re struggling so much. I am glad for you that your wife hugged you and showed she loves you. That’s something in your life that’s positive and that you can rely on.
It’s okay to have a minute of struggle. You are doing your best to keep going and that’s all you can do. Let yourself lean on your wife for a minute and try not to think you are less than yourself for doing so. You got this.
Thank you. You are right. She is always my rock and my shelter. I think it’s my own expectations that Im not meeting, and then feeling bad about it. My prior hobbies, employment - my whole life had to change in the course of the illness. And rarely, but certainly today, the reality hits me.
Sorry man, I’m not in a relationship but I can imagine that could have felt bad for you. But she probably doesn’t mind and understands. It’s not easy to be human with this illness - not in the current age; where what you make is what you are kinda thing. It really is heartbreaking
I always try to keep my mind in reality. The mind has a lot of defense mechanisms, biases, and coping mechanisms. Being human and learning as you go you’re bound to make mistakes. Nothing wrong with breaking down every once and awhile.
I know. The shifting of our entire life occurs with this disease. The reality of living with this illness is hard to wrap around. Focus on the good things in your life and try not to lose hope.
