So last night and tonight been real bad not wanting to live. H sat up with me until 6 in the morning. Tonight he got in the car to take me to emergency hospital but we are both not feeling well and it felt like we couldnt face waiting for hrs and mh asking tons of intrusive qu’s. So im home in my living room, taken 5mg diazapam, being sensible now. I’m fed up of my life thou and any part of life. Im a recluse and only speak to H, parents and sister occasionally. I cant do friends. I cant do a normal life. I cant talk to people face to face. Ive tried pushing myself hundreds of times and it just makes it worse. So yeah theres not really a solution i just gotta wait it out. Mh offered a support worker to encourage me to go out, no way, i cant cope with going anywhere. Im like this for the rest of my life okay days, bad days and very bad.
When I have to many problems in my life I want to hide away and escape this world. I feel in the moment that no one understands. Stress makes my symptoms worse. When my symptoms get too bad on 3 occasions I didn’t want to live anymore. Sometimes I feel like remission doesn’t exist only partial remission. I do notice when everything is good in my life and there is peace my symptoms are better. It seems like when you get older you get more health problems. When you get really old a lot of people become frail and don’t leave the house. I know you have a lot of problems. Hope you can find something to get into that you like. Good things.
Yes have hubby stay up with you and tomorrow see someone. Until then color, listen to music, paint, watch funny shows. Do everything to distract and relax.
I’m so sorry you’re suffering like that. I think @sweetpotatopie ‘s ideas about coloring etc in the meantime are good. When I was afraid to leave my home I bought books with puzzles, math books, adult coloring books, paint by numbers, and latch hook kits and did them. It kept my mind out of those dark places.
I’m sorry I have a lot of compassion for you. I know what it’s like to feel as though it’s it’s pointless to go outside because of how caustic it is. You have to believe that things will get better one day. Who knows. There could invent a cure for our disease. Hold on to some hope
I know you can ducky. Im sorry i cant help more I imagine my support comes off sounding superficial..maybe but I really dont know what else to say.
We have to embrace our suffering with tenderness. That incluse bad thoughts. I feel like the devil half the time because my thoughts are soo bad but if I look carefully its not truly who I am.
I know your not into it but I wish you would read this book. I would even buy it for u lol. The dude talks about how to embrace suffering so we can transform it. That includes our unbearable feelings and thoughts.
We not only can get through seemingly impossible situations but we can transform them. Today im feeling people are abusing me but I dont suffer nearly as much because im learning to not let the feelings overwhelm me even if I feel bad and complain …im not as caught ..if tha t makes sense.
I’m really sorry you are having such a bad time. You have such a caring husband and that’s something to feel good about. I hope you can get whatever help you need.
sorry to hear @Ducky , i know all about “bad days” - if you have spotify and have the energy, there is a really good and easy podcast called “Adrift” about a poor english family travling around the world when their ship is attacked by killer whales. They survive for 40 days without water and food, its very entertaining.
Thanks for all your kind support and advice. Im feeling pretty fragile still. Just trying to carry on with housework. H stayed up with me last night. Im taking all my meds as prescribed. Have to be positive and remember there will be okay days again. This is just a bad spell of very low mood
I didnt see mh nurse i dont want hospital or med changes
I’m curious, if you’re miserable, why don’t you want med changes? What if they help?
I was afraid to leave my home for 10 years. During that time I tried lots of meds but northing helped. But I didn’t give up. Then I tried 20 mg of olanzapine with 1 mg of risperidone, along with 20 mg of citalopram. I’m now working in an office Monday - Friday!
I’m not saying that particular med combo will work for you. But what if there’s a med combo that does work for you??? What if you can be freed from your own personal hell you’re in??? Seriously, don’t give up trying.
Im now on clopixol 500mg depot and vortioxetine 10mg with minimal side effects.
Im no longer diabetic and cholestral is very low, but im obese (all the mh meds incline weightyness on me)
There is no cure for any of it (sz, pd, agoraphobia ) especially not the suicidal ideation
My main thing causing me grief rn is the very low moods i get a few times a month, leading to suicidal intent. H is trying his best to get me through it, but like i say meds dont affect suicidal thoughts as in curing. Some can make them worse.
Im paranoid af especially going out
And im numb, flat emotionally
Im okay some days staying home its more manageable some days, but there are awful times throughout each month
Edit Hubby says im the best i have been on these meds im on now, i guess fear of the unknown changing meds?
