been talking with my significant others about schizophrenia a lot. talked with a close friend about how people have always been able to tell something is “wrong” with me in the regard of me having it. even people who’re otherwise “neurodivergent” tend to other me a lot because of this, it feels like?
everything feels bleak. losing as many friends as i did last year really winded the crap out of me, and i know it’s harder to make friends the older you get so i sorta feel screwed. i don’t really like being around other gen Z-ers cause non-schizo people make me generally uncomfortable and wow people really do not care. not sure where else to go regarding talking to people who get me beyond sorta
not sure how the rest of my life’s gonna play out. i’m 25 for the record
At 25 I had a lot of insecurities. I worried a lot about getting and keeping a career. I imagined myself well off but never felt good enough. I grew up poor and went to a more affluent highschool. I always felt on the margins. I always enjoyed talking to older people at the jobs I worked because they’ve seen further into the future than me. I would learn from their mistakes. I would always try to control things by thinking and being rational, I thought it would always lead to the best possible option. Too many people with hidden motives. I never understood self interest till I got older. I saw a lot of people operating on self interest from 25 to 45. It seems like when I would talk to people that worked 15 years at a dead end job it didn’t matter if in the end they ended up where they wanted to be. Whether that’s graduating college or making enough money to live well. A lot of people I’ve talked to did a lot in life and the things they thought would make them happy weren’t what they expected. That’s why I always preach find happiness in the small things and obtainable goals. Being young really messes with your head because you have a lot of potential and possibilities. All roads lead to a paycheck. There’s a lot of things in life you don’t have control over, the situation will dictate what will happen not you. It’s like you’ll be an observer. You’ll be like a survivor of life. Some things you do you have control over and when I was younger I thought if only I graduate college and get a good job my life will be set. You’re just an observer in life. A lot of life you just watch and learn and go through the motions. I wasn’t really happy till I got older because I did everything I wanted to do and suffered a lot for the things I thought were worth suffering for. In the end I felt like if I was smarter I would’ve suffered less. I always wished I grew up with more advantages in life. But meritocracy is a lie. You can work hard your whole life and get screwed. Life is superficial. Find happiness in the day to day things not the grand things in life. Celebrate your small victories. Dream your dreams. I hope they come true. Good things.
Im sorry youre feeling so low. But dont worry, no storm lasts forever; like i always say, better to have quality over quantity! Find some genuine friends and stick a consistent flow of friendship and care. You dont need to have life figured out, right now youre really young, things will play out how they will play out.