My automatic expectation of myself is that I can’t do things. Is there a kind of therapy I can do, or something else that I can do to overcome this?
I have a belief I can’t hold work, drive or interact with others confidently. And I don’t know how much of it is in my head. Before I developed psychotic illness, there was never an excuse to give up, now there always is.
Is this just the new reality one must accept, or is this a trap on psychological level
Idk about work but driving around town should be easy enough. I drive and I am low/medium level functioning
Yeah, I drove fine when I was taking lessons before covid, but part of me subconsciously thought to itself - you’ll never have this. That’skinda what i’m describing - the feeling that i’ll never “have” a skill instead of not actually being able to practice it.
I’m thinking of getting counselling but it’s so expensive that I need to wait a bit.
It’s like I give up before I start and the solution is always to “there’s a reason to quit, you have an illness”
SZ is crushing on my mind so I use the AI to help.
Yeah I understand I give up on most things too. Way too exhausted to do anything. It helps that I learned to drive and drove 8 years before my illness so driving with sz is no big deal to me
You know. It’s the same with the degree im working for. I don’t think I can get the grade I want to. No matter how much I look in the mirror and say '“you WILL get there”
It’s the sick role mixed with self fulfilling prophecy. Having a predetermined thought prohibiting you from an action is a cognitive distortion until the events play out and the effect is you’re unable to do this action per cause.
That’s exactly what it is. Do you think, once something is achieved. It’ll slowly return? The idea that I CAN do things?
I see my life as pre and post illness. Everything before I rose tint and everything afterwards I look at as great difficulty
This is how I view myself. A pre and post illness “me”. This can lead me to great sadness and lows, at times, as it did the other day.
I think if you once had a successful and highly functioning life, and then had it stripped after becoming unwell - then I think it’ll effect you more, as you’ll see and recognise what has been lost.
Mine was more of a gradual decline and now I’m climbing up again.
What you’re describing is confidence. Cognitive dissonance carrying two contrary thoughts at the same time. You could be confident and still self sabotage and your mind could be okay with that. Need to get at root cause.
Yeah, I do wonder if psychologists can help. Because it is confidence and there’s a root cause, other than the illness, nothing has changed for me aside from maturity. I definitely identify with illness a lot more though and that maybe the issue. My psychiatrist said it goes deeper too, she’s new and i saw her recently and she said you need to do some psychological exploration
I kind of don’t know where to start
How many times do you try working before saying hey I’m disabled? That’s the true question. I tried working 3 times during and after diagnosis. I was flipping out at work hallucinating and delusional. I’m sitting on the couch right now with minimal voices. Should I try again? Every time I worked I told them cancel my health insurance and benefits because I’m better and I failed. I had no thoughts of failing. I felt normal like a normal person just having weird thoughts and weird visions of reality. It impaired my ability to work. Do you say someone’s disabled because they failed 3 times and they have a illness that’s chronic. It’s assumed the same outcomes will continue to happen so instead of being a liability to a business and unable to function properly one has to accept this premise. When does effort become masochism. Suffering for no purpose. Would you ask a one legged man to deliver pizzas on foot. How many deliveries before you tell him you’re too defective to work. I went through a really restless period while on disability benefits. A lot of thinking, voices, delusions, hallucinations. Now I’m resigned. I accept I’m disabled. Does that label inhibit me? I’m some ways and in some ways it protects me from suffering needlessly. The mind can really play tricks on you. You have to pursue self interest wherever that takes you then think on things. Once you’ve exhausted yourself and suffered needlessly then you have to ask yourself do I deserve to suffer more? How much is enough? Do you have regrets and do you feel robbed? Yeah.
Yeah, that does resonate. the turmoil of telling yourself you’re ablebodied vs not ablebodied and suffering because of it. Some part of me clings on to hope that i’ll be able to pull it off but the reality is that that reality looks different. It’ll be a case of going off work for days and having an employer who cares about me. I think that’s the bit that I find hard to imagine, that an employer could care enough to keep me on payroll whenever i have blips.
The scary part is, even though it shouldnt’ be, is disclosure. I’ve always disclosed the illness but part of me always feels like i’ll be robbed by the label on job offers just because i exaggerate how bad the employment stigma is.
Thanks man, you’ve always got deep insight
Can’t hurt to try I tried 3 times. Good luck
I’ve also noticed. A lot of confidence of mine comes from this forum. Whenever I see people talk about their hobbies. It makes me feel less inclined to see studies as a career path and more as a hobby
So I guess it’s not all doom and gloom. Just wish I’d try with the driving and get over myself
I spend all day on my projects it’s fun learning
Driving is scary at first. Not feeling competent but still expected to perform. If you mess up you crash. So yeah. High nerves. All you can do to combat anxiety is preparation. Take it slow if you have to. Some people over prepare. Do what works for you.
I worked six different jobs and found them all too stressful. Now if only I could get family to understand.