I’m a broken human. I like living and being alone but life is tough when you’re always alone. I feel I would do better in life with a friend or social support but don’t want the negative part of it like being put down and treated badly which is a pattern in all my friendships. Whenever I start a new friendship the beginning goes great; we get along and have fun. I always feel at the start of a new friendships that someone finally gets me, they see my true self but familiarity breeds contempt and soon it’s the same old thing, being put down.
Funny thing is, whatever friend I have and I still do fun things nevertheless and have great experiences so maybe it’s good to put up with the disrespect and just grin and bear it. Being alone, I feel like I’m always losing, life is a competition and proving your better than someone, it just makes me tired and I feel broken down and empty. I feel like the general public takes one look at me and destroys me. I’ve had so many people destroy me it’s unbelievable, people use their cars as weapons, they put their head down and go charging into every situation and everybody else be damned. At 64 I’m so tired of the barrage of everyone’s bullsh*t I put up with. Just had to vent.
I take comfort in growing older knowing that I’m disappearing from social life. I find a lot to do in my house. I have the app crime radar and there’s crime everywhere I live. Like 5 different shootings last night alone, if they don’t get murdered they don’t make the statistics for murders, we have a moderate amount of murders but shootings like every other night. I get what you mean though I have one good friend where I live without him i’d probably still be a weird guy reading philosophy books. It’s hard when you get older to trust anyone. I thought about dating when I’m older but then I’ll have more money. It’s a shame someone can pretend to love you then the next day take half your money. Good things.
I have nothing but respect for you, for your amazing extended sobriety, and how brave you were with going back to school for adult learning. We occasionally disagree about your symptoms, but that doesn’t mean I don’t respect you or stopped respecting you. Just to be clear. You are fookin’ amazing.
I remembered something else and this is what I am most proud of you for. You had an awful relapse that would have crushed others and you came back from it, I think you are doing better than before you had it, and it didn’t leave you bitter or unkind. You’re still a good, helpful person after being through the ringer. Like I said, mad props to you.
