After breakfast I felt refreshed. My hands still shook, but I knew it was from over exerting myself and not from low blood sugar this time. Chris called me over.
“Hanna for your labor hours, we are going to have to split them up to today and tomorrow because you have 8 hours, and it’s already 11am.” She said
I nodded, trying not to show my relief on my face.
“So we will have you do 4 today and 4 tomorrow after church.” Chris said, “Now I know it’s cold out but we had to pick something actually useful. We have all the supplies for you to detail the cars. I want you to start with the two school’s SUVs, then if you still have time left, which I am sure you will, I want you to do my truck. If you finish all 3 in 4 hours then we will call it good.”
“But don’t rush, we want an actual quality clean, okay?” She finished
“Okay that’s fine, I understand.” I said trying not to put up any sort of resistance.
“If I go out there and it’s not cleaned up to my standards, I am not going to count any of it towards your 8 hours and you’ll have to do something else to satisfy your labor hours, alright?” She said with an amused tone
That really sounded like a trap to me. Chris had impossible standards, but I was going to do my best. I got my coat and boots and grabbed the bucket of the detailing supplies and left out the door. It was freezing, the wind had picked up and a light snow had started to fall. I looked at the temperature gauge on the side of the lodge, it was barely 24 degrees.
I shivered as I started to work on the cars. I tried to just focus on the task and instead of the time. Chris’s threat lingered in my mind, if they’re not clean enough these hours won’t count. So I forced myself not to look at my watch. A deep chill had overtaken me, even though I had my winter coat on I couldn’t wear gloves and be able to detail in the degree that I needed to.
When I got to Chris’s truck, I finally looked at my watch and noticed it had been nearly 3 hours. I opened her door to the truck, disgusted I realized it was really messy and not clean at all. There was trash littering the floor and old cigarette butts in an ashtray in the cupholder. I got to work, not seeing how I was going to be done in an hour.
I did my best and was actually really proud of the end result. I glanced again at my watch. 4 ½ hours, I was so happy but uneasiness settled in my stomach knowing Chris had to approve the work. I had learned that “good enough” could change depending on their mood. I headed in to go and find her.
“Hey Chris? I’m done with the cars.” I said walking up to her on the main floor.
“Excellent, lets go check your work.” She said and followed me to the back door, putting her shoes on.
Chris inspected the two school SUVs without saying anything, finally we got to her truck. I held my breath, hoping beyond hope that it was good enough. Finally Chris spoke.
“Okay yeah good work Hanna. My truck is decent and the SUVs are great” She said, in a tone I had never heard from her before, it was almost kind.
“Awesome,” I said, “It took me 4 ½ hours.”
"We’ll count it as four. It really shouldn’t have taken this long. " Chris said, her usual stern tone returning.
Annoyance settled over me. I had been working that whole time, Chris’s truck had been horrible and I really worked a miracle there. Yet 30 minutes didn’t count.
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The next morning we were put on silence at the beginning of breakfast. We got our meds, no one saying a single word. Eventually we were led down to the basement. We all gathered in a circle around Angela.
"Alright we are at the end of our awakening weekend. We have one last process planned for you all and this is an exciting one. We call this the ‘stretch process’ " She said with enthusiasm in her voice.
“I am going to be assigning you a performance. You will get a song and you must perform a dance and entertainment show to that song for your peers.” She went on
“We will be giving you all morning and early afternoon to work on these performances.”
Angela pulled out several storage totes and took out a box of labeled flash drives.
“You are free to go through these totes, they have costumes and props. I will shortly be handing you a flash drive that has your song on it.”
Angela started handing out the flash drives. Going first to Sara.
“Sara, your song is I Will Always Love You. Hopefully this will get you out of your comfort zone.” She said.
I immediately thought about Sara, how shy and soft spoken she was.
Angela saved me for last. She smiled at me, almost looking proud.
“Hanna, your song is Butterfly by Mariah Carey. I think this suits you. This will be your last process here with us. Make it count.”
When we were released we all went to the computers and plugged in headphones to listen to the songs. I was deeply confused at the choice of my song but I tried to plan out my performance. I headed over and rummaged through the storage bins. I found some rainbow mesh material and a brightly colored shirt. The thoughts formed in my mind.
I decided for my performance I would pretend to be a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly. That felt right. I took the brightly colored items and also found a black shawl and a long, wide black scarf.
The day went by rather quickly, and as much as I hated to admit it, this was actually pretty fun. I dreaded having to perform in front of everyone, but I did dance as a child and this tapped into those early memories.
We ate a late lunch and then got ready. I got my costume props and flash drive and followed the rest of the girls out to the hobby room. My heartrate quickened, thinking about having to perform.
When we got to the hobby room we found that everything was still pushed aside but two of the walls were lined with chairs. We were instructed to sit and Angela called Sara to the middle of the room. Her instructions were brief, explaining that Sara was to do her performance for the length of the song.
“Alright ladies, what we need from all of you in the audience is participation.” Angela began
“What I want from you is simple. When you feel like Sara is being open, authentic and vulnerable, simply stand from your chair. But only stand if you mean it.”
“Sara you must have everyone standing by the end of the song or else you’ll have to do it again at the end.”
I could see Sara visibly trembling. She had on a red dress from the costume boxes.
The song began to play, and Sara stood frozen to the spot but only for a moment. She had a hairbrush in her hand and she began to lip-sync the words. In the first 30 seconds I stood up. I was the first to do so, but I could see how hard Sara was trying. I truly felt like she was being open and authentic. Eventually other girls stood.
I could see Sara’s confidence grow with each person that stood. At the end everyone was standing and when the song trailed off everyone burst into applause.
I watched other girls performances, growing increasingly anxious. Krisitn got Lady In Red by Chris de Burgh. Lizzy had Girls Just Want To Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper. Angela saved my performance for last, as promised.
I quickly got into my costume and walked into the middle of the room. I had the black items covering the rainbow and bright colors.
The music started and I gently swayed back and forth, making a dramatic scene of taking off the black parts and exposing the bright rainbow underneath. No one stood at first and my mind began to spin. Make it more dramatic, I thought to myself. Suddenly I ran across the room and leapt into the air making dramatic movements with my arms. Half of the audience stood. I continued, big dramatic dance moves that I had no real skill in. I felt clumsy and awkward but eventually I saw each and every one of the girls stand.
The song concluded and I stood there, exhausted, my heart pounding.
“Now THAT ladies, was authenticity and vulnerability.” Angela said clapping
I couldn’t help but smile. That was the most praise I had ever gotten from Angela. My heart slowly started to calm down.
Angela gathered all the girls in the middle of the room, keeping me in my place and not letting me join. She whispered to them in a low tone then the lights shut off.
“Hanna, please join the girls in the center of the room.” She finally said
I walked over to the girls and suddenly was lifted into the air. It took me by surprise but I had no time to think about my shock. The girls underneath me all supported me with their hands, I was on my back with my arms outstretched. Calming music began to play and the girls began to sway back and forth.
For just a moment I allowed myself to close my eyes and enjoy the sensation. It was disorienting but in a good way. I let myself just be consumed in the moment. When the song concluded I got put gently back on my feet.
That concluded the awakening weekend. I felt exhaustion consume me as I made my way back to the lodge, but a tiny thought came into my head. Tomorrow.
That night seemed to go by super slowly, dinner dragged on, med call took forever. Finally I was able to get up to my bunk. I climbed into my bed and got under my blankets, staring at the ceiling. Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and let my exhaustion overtake me, bringing a deep sleep.
I awoke the next morning before the alarm went off. I didn’t wait, I jumped out of bed and tiptoed across the room careful not to wake anyone up. It was only 10 minutes till the alarm went off anyway, but I didn’t want to upset anyone on my last day. I quickly made my way downstairs for a shower.
Breakfast inched by, eventually we loaded up in the bus to head to church. Church service was dull, but my excitement helped me through. As we sang that last hymn “We’ll never say goodbye in glory, In the morning, over yonder” the feeling hit.
We walked that slow walk home. I knew my mom was going to come sometime today, she had said she would try to be there when we got back from church. We finally approached the lodge. Seeing my mom’s car in the driveway at the school made my heart skip a beat. We came walking up and my mom got out of the car. She looked elated and excited. She quickly came and gave me a hug. We walked inside the lodge into the office. Mickey was in the office. Unusual for a Sunday, yet I knew she wanted to see me off.
“Today is the day, huh?” Mickey said smiling at us
“We are just so excited to have her back home.” My mom said
“Go downstairs and get your suitcases ready to go out the door, grab one of the other girls to help you load them into your mom’s car.” Mickey said to me “Your mom and I just have some more paperwork to go through”
I skipped off into the lodge and asked Krisitn to help me with my luggage.
We gathered up my suitcases and trash bag of my bedding and loaded them into the car. I hurried back to the lodge to say goodbye to the girls. I ran up the stairs to the main floor and announced in a loud voice,
“Hey guys, guess who’s leaving?”
Everyone of the girls gathered around me, each one giving me a hug and some of them giving short words of encouragement. I felt my eyes well up with tears. I honestly was going to miss each and every one of them. Would I miss the school? Probably not, but the girls are who made it bearable for the past year of my life. Mixed feelings bubbled up as I made my exit from the lodge.
My mom joined up with me giving me a side hug as we walked side by side to the car. As we walked to the car, I realized freedom did not taste the way I thought it would. I had survived long enough to leave, but leaving was only the beginning.
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Came up with a potential book name.
You’re Safe Here: The Language of Compliance
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No kidding
Alternative title: Youre safe here, we know what’s best for you, we don’t want you to get hurt: the language of compliance
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Love the suggestion @Schizbro
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Making a little progress. Hope to hit 40k by tomorrow
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The first parent seminar
I had been here for nearly 3 months and the opportunity to see my parents was coming up. Every three months the program hosted “parent/child” seminars. Our parents would come do 2 days of intense learning, then on the third day the girls got to join for part of the day. I was so excited to see my parents again, but an unsettled feeling was taking over me.
After reading my parents’ commitment letters, I had very mixed feelings about facing them in person. A big part of me missed my parents, and yet a different part of me was angry and hurt that they sent me away. The seminar was being held in the conference room of a hotel in the town nearby. Friday came around and that was the first day my parents attended the seminar. Angela and Kevin were both there so neither of them were here on Friday, and they never stayed at the school on the weekends anyway.
Only about 10 of the girls had parents attending this particular seminar. On Sunday morning, all 10 of us got ready, we didn’t go to church that Sunday. All of us did our hair as nicely as we could, I straightened my brown hair and put on a little mascara. Getting my favorite leaf necklace I pulled it over my head. I looked in the mirror for one last check and decided it was as good as it was going to get.
All 10 of us girls went and loaded into two of the school SUVs. The ride there was filled with lighthearted conversation amongst us. My stomach was twisting in knots, I felt my hands going cold like they always did when I was uncomfortable. It was a 3 hour drive into the town where the seminar was held. The closer we got, the more my nerves grew.
Would my parents even be happy to see me? I wasn’t so sure. I tried to force the nerves from my mind, the 3 hour trip went by surprisingly quickly. The two cars pulled into the parking lot of the hotel right around 11am. We all scrambled out of the vehicles and followed Chris and Tammy into the lobby of the hotel, I could see a set of doors just aways down the hall with a paper taped up that said “Evergreen Creek Parent Seminar”
“Alright ladies find a seat in the lobby, I’m going in to see if they are ready for you. Tammy will stay out here with you.” Chris said as she walked over to the doors and opened them, slipping inside.
Krisitn was next to me and glanced over. I could see her hands were trembling(more so than usual, considering her medication always made her hands shake). She smiled but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. I returned the same smile, noticing that it didn’t feel genuine to myself either.
Finally after nearly 20 minutes, Chris appeared from the conference room, propping the door open. Kevin appeared behind her with a big smile on his face.
“Ladies, are you excited to see your parents?” He said, loud enough for everyone in the lobby to hear.
We all nodded, yet no one spoke a word.
“Okay I want you to walk through these doors and go find where your parents are sitting. Join them in your seat and we will instruct further after that.”
We all got up, without verbally making the decision. Three of the girls and I linked hands. Kristin, Megan, Christina and myself. We all looked at each other, then walked calmly to the door and went into the conference room. It was a large room and there were large posters on the wall, all with common sayings we have heard at the school over and over.
There are no accidents. You’re only as sick as your secrets. Based on your results, you have exactly what you intended. Never argue with an adolescent.
I felt queasy but spotted my parents at once. I broke hands with the other girls and kept myself walking calmly, even though I wanted to sprint towards them. I know they had said some hurtful things to me, but they were my parents and I loved them. I had missed them. I felt tears well up in my eyes as I reached them. My mom hugged me first, then my dad.
“We’ve missed you so much, kiddo.” My dad said, finally letting go of me.
I smiled and this time it felt genuine. I had missed them so much that it was painful.
Kevin stood up in the front of the room and began to address us.
“Alright everyone, I am sure it feels great to see your girls again. We want to give you all an opportunity to catch up on an informal basis.” He smiled and went on.
“We are going to give everyone an hour and a half to go find a place for lunch and to just relax and enjoy your reunion with each other.”
“There is a local mall with many restaurants around it just about a mile down the road. Alright everyone please be back no later than 1pm. Parents, you know how it goes if you return late, so try to be back five to ten minutes early.”
There was the shuffling of chairs and feet on the carpet. Loud voices started to form from all the families. My mom put a hand on my shoulder and walked behind me into the parking lot.
“So where do you want to eat? What are you craving?” My dad asked me
“Can we go anywhere?” I asked, trying to think of what kind of food I wanted.
“Yeah, your pick.” He said smiling, “If I were you I’d choose to go to the steakhouse. But that’s just me. I imagine you never get steak up at the school, huh?”
I knew he meant well, but I began to wonder if my parents didn’t know about my meal restrictions at the lodge. I nodded and smiled at him.
“That sounds excellent.” I said. We had reached the car and I climbed into the back seat.
We went to the local steakhouse and I ordered a sirloin steak with a side of mashed potatoes and mixed veggies. It really was a treat and I savored every bite. My dad talked animatedly about what they were learning in the seminar.
“We are just so excited to be learning the same concepts you are being taught at the school.” My dad said, “It’s been really life changing, in the best way.”
I smiled and nodded. I knew what they were being taught, and it was the same thing we went through on a daily basis.
I actually enjoyed lunch, I got to just relax around my parents and eat some good food. Before I realized it, we had to drive back to the hotel. We pulled into the parking lot and that’s when my heart started racing. I truly did not know what to expect. We all got out of the car and made our way back into the hotel, it was 12:50pm so we were right on time. I heard music playing from the conference room. I recognized the song as 2001: A Space Odyssey. It was playing on a loop.
My parents and I found our seats and sat down, my parents going silent and watching Kevin. When everyone had returned, Angela got up and stood next to Kevin and flipped the paper on the easel.
“Alright, all of you parents have learned this concept in depth by now and it’s time for you to teach it to your girls.” Angela pointed at the paper, “The awareness wheel” she stated.
“I want you to teach the concept, then each of you take turns practicing the awareness wheel. It’s page 15 in your packets in case you forgot where it is” She finished speaking and went back to sit down.
I looked at my parents, noticing they each had a packet in their hands. They both flipped it open to page 15, like Angela said. On the page was a stencil of a circle with different labeled sections. Around the circle was labeled; Facts, interpretations, feelings, wants, actions. Under the feelings section in small print it stated “mad, sad, glad or afraid”. The feelings part sounded familiar. It was common language at the school that there are only four feelings, or emotions.
My parents began to explain the simple concept. I had common sense and knew the basics just by looking at the wheel on the paper. My dad went first.
“Hanna the topic I am choosing is sending you to Evergreen Creek.” My dad began
He went his way around the wheel, explaining the facts, interpretations, feelings and so forth. It felt fixed and very surface level.
My parents and I took turns doing different topics for about a half hour till Kevin stood up and interrupted the process.
“Okay I walked around while you all were doing the awareness wheel and I must say, you all seemed to have really understood the concept. That’s great!” He said enthusiastically. His demeanor shifted.
“Now this will probably be the most difficult part of the seminar, and parents I know you know what is coming.” He continued in a solemn tone, “Girls I want you to trust the process, this is the most difficult thing your parents had to do this weekend.”
“Your parents have been grieving the girl they lost, the one they sent away. That person you once was is dead now. It’s gone, and we have been building you up into your new authentic accountable self.”
My dad shifted in his seat uncomfortably. My heart raced and I braced for something big.
“Parents please read your girls the eulogies that you worked so hard on this weekend” Kevin finished and sat back down.
My dad picked up two papers out of his packet and cleared his throat and began to read. I sat there frozen, unable to process my emotions. My dad read about how he was so happy to have a daughter and how wonderful I was in his life. But I realized quickly the positive notes he described in his eulogy stopped at me as a little girl.
An uneasy feeling began to surface. I really am dead. The person I was is dead. Was I really that bad that I had to completely let go of who I was as a person? My dad concluded his two page eulogy with “I look forward to the day I can reunite with my little girl on the other side”. My emotions faded slowly and numbness settled in. An unwelcome helpless feeling overtook me. I braced for impact when my mom started to read hers.
I found it hard to pay attention to what my mom was reading, my thoughts a distant echo whispering you’d be better off dead, your parents would be better off without you.
My mom’s eulogy followed the same tone as my dad’s but I noticed one sentence that stuck out to me; “You were always such a loving sister to your brother”. That sentence felt staged. Just several weeks earlier in my parents’ commitment letter, my mom said I was mean to my brother and that it was my fault for my mom’s relationship struggles with my brother.
I mentally left the situation. I responded automatically to their prompts, the rest of the teachings at the seminar seemed to drown into silence. At exactly 5pm the seminar concluded, my parents each gave me a long hug, saying they loved me. I left them and found Chris who was driving us home. 5 of the girls were going to stay a day or two with their parents on an off grounds visit. I wasn’t an upper level yet so I wasn’t allowed to stay overnight with my parents this time.
The drive back to the school seemed to take twice as long as the ride there. When we pulled up to the school it was past 9pm. I went inside, got my medications from Polly who was in the nurses station waiting for us, then slowly headed upstairs to the dorms. I realized at that moment that I had to change. I couldn’t hold onto that piece of my former self anymore. I climbed into my bunk and shut my eyes. I couldn’t feel anything. I didn’t feel sad or afraid, I felt nothing. I remembered how happy I was just earlier this day thinking of seeing my parents, that joy had left me. My parents didn’t want me to be my true self, they would accept nothing less than the program’s version of perfection. And so that pursuit for perfection began.
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Took a bit of a break from writing to focus on my mental health. Back to it now.
The river trip
July at the lodge brought much sunshine and warm weather. The high mountainous altitude and many trees meant it never got too unbearably hot. Most days were in the low 80s, perfect weather for doing things outside. Even the staff seemed to be in higher spirits after the rainy wet spring we had.
There was a buzz in the house, Evergreen Creek was known for its annual river rafting trip. It was a 2 day overnight trip, white water rafting and camping out under the stars. Unlike many of the other activities reserved only for upper level girls, this trip all of the girls got to attend, no matter what level or if you were on the board.
Many of us started counting down the days in our journals. At the top of my entry I wrote 5 days to go. It was a great thing to look forward to and to get my mind off of the fact that my parents still were not communicating with me.
Finally Friday arrived. We had to wake up at 4:30 that morning to load onto the bus. Our belongings had already been packed the night before to make things easier in the early hours. Somehow we managed breakfast and were on the road by 6 a.m.
The drive to the river launch point was four hours long, but despite how early it was, nobody slept. The excitement in the bus was too strong.
I sat next to Kristin, who talked nearly the entire drive. I smiled to myself as she rambled about how much fun the trip was going to be. For a few moments, I forgot about everything else. I leaned my head against the window, occasionally responding with, “Yeah, that makes sense,” or, “I get what you mean.”
When we finally arrived, Kelly silenced everyone.
“Okay ladies, it’s very important that you remember the rules when the guides give instruction. I want everyone off the bus in an orderly fashion and lined up against the building to the right.”
No one dared break the silence code.
I lined up next to the other girls against the building. Tammy came off the bus and did a headcount. For the next while we just sat on the ground waiting for the guides to get there. Kristin was standing next to me and I could tell she was starting to get nervous. She had put on a brave face on the way here but her act was starting to fade. I knew that she was terrified of water, she never told me why, but I knew her fear was real. I nudged her with my elbow, smiling.
“You know it’s going to be alright. We will have on lifejackets and everything, nothing bad is going to happen.” I said to her, trying to offer some words of comfort.
She gave a feeble smile, but didn’t respond.
After some time a large bus pulled up and several people got out and made their way over to Kelly and Tammy and started talking. They eventually introduced themselves and went over a safety briefing and a basic run through of how this was going to work. We were all to get on their bus and they would drive to the starting point of the river, while Kelly and Tammy would drive our school’s bus to our stopping point that we were going to take the river down to.
Kelly gave us one last talk on respect and that from here on out we were to listen to the guides and follow all of their rules. I got quite excited to hear that no school staff was going to actually be on the rafts with us.
When we had all loaded onto the bus and then arrived at the starting point I could tell Kristin’s fear had turned into panic. We all started loading onto the rafts but she refused to move from the shore.
“Come on, you don’t want to see what would happen if Angela were to find out you refused.” I called to her from my spot standing in the shallows of the river.
She took a deep breath and finally started heading towards the raft. After she made that first initial brave movement, the rest seemed like she handled it easily.
The first day was a blast, we went over quite a few rapids. We stopped for lunch at the halfway point, only to find out the spot we stopped at was infested with snakes. Some of the girls ran from the rocks screaming. They weren’t dangerous and I wasn’t afraid of snakes, especially after discovering the nest of some garter snakes close to the school. I was known to chase some of the girls around with the snakes and I seized this opportunity to play a prank.
It was all great fun, we all convened at a camp site near the river. Kelly and Tammy had started two fires that were in the middle of many camping chairs. Angela and Polly had also arrived. I couldn’t picture Angela camping in a tent with all of us, but to my surprise she did. We all got busy setting up tents. There were tents that slept 4 people. The way they arranged it was one upper level girl had to be in each tent, for our safety they said.
Somehow some of the girls convinced Kelly to let us go swim in the bay near the river. For one fleeting second I felt free. Free from rules and coercion. I felt like a normal teenager, splashing and playing in the water with my friends.
We had hotdogs roasted over the fire and smores to finish off the night.
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We had hotdogs roasted over the fire and smores to finish off the night. By the time everyone climbed into the tents, it was late. I crawled into my sleeping bag and fluffed up my pillow. Closing my eyes, sleep came quickly.
The next day moved by very quickly, we woke up at 7am and were immediately tasked with loading everything back into the bus. By 9am we were all gathered at the river’s edge getting the same safety briefing as the day before. Finally we loaded into the rafts and began the last section of our river trip. The second part had more rapids than the first. We had a blast dashing through the rapids, paddling fiercely to keep our raft in the right direction.
When we were close to the end we pulled off the side of the river where some cliffs were. We all got the chance to hike up to the top of the cliffs and jump into the water. I was terrified of heights, but Lizzy convinced me to go. I was so glad that I did, it was a blast. It felt so nice to be out living life carefree. Being a normal teenager with her friends doing super fun summer activities. That mood carried me through the rest of the day and we eventually got to the end of our rafting trip.
All of us were exhausted and loaded onto the bus for the long drive back to the school. It was a warm day in Utah, in the upper 80s. We started the trip home and were not on the road long till it suddenly got very warm in the bus. Girls were cracking windows and fanning themselves.
Kelly pulled over to the side of the road and popped the hood. We were told to wait on the bus, and it just kept getting hotter. Finally Kelly got back on the bus and stood in the isle to address us.
“Looks like the bus is close to overheating, and the air conditioner is putting too much strain on the engine.” She informed us in a less than enthusiastic voice.
“Crack the window, we got about another 3 hours to go”
The remaining windows got opened and we got back on the road. After another hour and a half I started to get uncomfortable and needed the bathroom desperately. Apparently I wasn’t the only one. Megan shouted up to Kelly and Tammy that we needed to pull over for a bathroom stop.
“We are not stopping, you’d better hold it till we get back to the school” Kelly yelled back at us.
Megan sat back down and shifted in her seat, staring at Kristina who was looking very concerned. Another half hour passed and Megan yelled again.
"“We need to stop, Kristina is going to pee her pants”
Kelly’s face twisted and I could see her expression in the rearview mirror.
“I told you we are not stopping, you will survive.” She shouted back.
'“Girls stop asking, if anyone else asks again I will not hesitate to write you up” Tammy added to Kelly’s response.
I glanced at Kristina who was clearly uncomfortable and fighting back tears. I felt for her, I wanted to speak up and defend Megan and Kristina, but I couldn’t.
After what felt like ages we pulled up to the school and the girls rushed to get off and into the lodge and all made a beeline to the bathrooms. Everyone except Kristina, who stayed in her seat till everyone left. As I made my way off the bus I saw Tammy get up and go to talk to Kristina.
“I couldn’t hold it.” She whispered to Tammy.
I wanted to linger and wait for her to leave the bus but Tammy shot me a look and I proceeded to get off the bus. I caught up with Megan and she whispered to me
“She peed her pants. I can’t believe Kelly wouldn’t stop. She really pisses me off.” Megan made a face.
I felt anger at Kelly and Tammy. It was an incredible weekend yet this was such a small request. A bathroom stop on a long drive home. But watching them deny her basic dignity so casually reminded me how absolute their control really was.
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Not a whole lot of words written today. Only about 700ish words
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The motorcycle accident
Lizzy, Megan and I were in the car being driven back to the school after a doctor’s appointment. Kelly was driving and I was sitting in the front passenger seat. Country music was playing loudly from the radio. It was dusk and low lighting around the mountainous road.
Suddenly I heard a revving of engines and two motorcyclists passed us on the highway, when suddenly a deer dashed out in front of them. I heard screeching of tires as I watched in horror as the two motorcyclists crashed and the people rolled into the road. Neither of them were wearing helmets and blood splattered all over the pavement.
Kelly brought the car to a screeching halt, yelling at us to stay in the car as she dashed out the door to run to help. The female motorcyclist was unresponsive laying on the pavement, the male motorcyclist sat up slowly, blood trickling down his head and getting tangled into his hair. I saw Kelly fumbling for her cell phone and calling 911.
Everything happened slowly, I stumbled out of the car and walked up to Kelly as she spoke to the 911 operator.
“Don’t move her.” She said to me as she was listening to the emergency dispatcher.
I bent over her, wondering if she was alive. Kelly grabbed me by the arm and steered me away. Within 10 minutes the ambulance showed up and attended to the two people involved in the accident. Kelly spoke to the paramedics briefly then headed back to the car and we got on our way back to the school.
That night the images swirled in my mind, the burning question of if the woman had survived came to the front of my mind.
Two days went by and all of the girls had been told the story and the buzz of the drama was real. It was Thursday and I had my phone call with my parents that day. I made my way to Kevin’s office and he dialed my parents, putting the phone system on speaker.
My parents answered the phone and eagerly asked me how my week was.
“My week was good. I had a bit of a situation two days ago, but I’m okay.” I said numbly
“Oh? What happened?” My mom asked, seemingly concerned.
“I saw a motorcycle accident happen on our way back to the school on Tuesday.”
The conversation continued on and we didn’t discuss the accident any more than my one sentence. Towards the end of the call Kevin took over.
“I think how Hanna handled the accident really proves she is ready for level 5. It was an intense situation and she didn’t make it dramatic or use it to seek attention.” He said, smiling at me.
I smiled but didn’t really feel it. Level 5 was the goal, that was how I could leave the program.
My parents seemed excited at that thought and I tried to let it sink in, but all I felt was numb
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Commitment Letters
My days had stretched into weeks. I had no contact with my parents since they dropped me off. I wrote the required one page letter every Monday and never got a response. Part of the reason why was because my parents still had not written their commitment letter. This letter is supposed to tell the story of why I got sent to this school. Only after the letter had been sent could I start weekly therapy calls with my parents.
Every Monday I wrote to them and asked over and over, when they were going to write the letter. Finally after 7 weeks of no contact they submitted the letter. I was downstairs in the class room when I heard Kevin call down the stairs for me. I dashed upstairs and into the therapy room(his office). Kevin smiled at me holding four pieces of paper.
“Your parents finished their commitment letters.” He said motioning for me to sit down.
I sat down on the couch facing his desk, my heart pounding in my chest. He handed me two of the papers.
“Let’s start with your dad’s letter then go to your mom’s.” He said in a calm voice.
“I want you to read it outloud.”
I looked down at the pages in my hands. Seven weeks. Seven weeks of writing letters into what felt like a void. Seven weeks of wondering if my parents were angry, worried, or if they even thought about me at all.
Now the answers were sitting in my lap.
I took a breath and began to read.
I’m sorry that it took us so long to write these letters, the truth is that we needed a break from communication to regather ourselves and take a moment to breathe. It has been amazing not having you in the house for the past several weeks. Your mom has finally had time to focus on your brother. We have not had time to spend with your brother because we were always so worried about you and your safety.
I will never forget that day, September 9th 2011 when we found out about your self-harm. I don’t think your mom and I slept a peaceful night since finding that out. But one thing you must realize is how much control you got leveraged against the family when that secret came to light.
Since that day we have questioned your truthfulness every time you have told us anything. I keep remembering back to that day when you were 12 and stole that piece of candy from me and then lied straight to my face. You were so convincing that it scared me. I realized then that we could no longer trust you.
I stopped reading for a moment.
A piece of candy.
Of all the memories he could have chosen to explain why I was sitting in a behavior modification program hundreds of miles from home, he chose a piece of candy I had taken when I was twelve years old.
I stared at the words on the page. The distance between that childhood mistake and where I was now felt impossible to measure.
I continued reading the rest
Since you have been absent from the home I realize how much of an impact you had on my relationship with my wife, your mom. We were so busy trying to keep you safe that we didn’t have time for date nights or quality time. You had taken complete control of the family.
Another way this has impacted me is financially. When we discovered your problem we spent every penny we had, getting you into counseling, getting you to see a psychiatrist and finally at the end of 2012 paying for you to be admitted to the adolescent psych hospital because you were suicidal. This has become such a financial burden that I have had to start working extra hours, being away from home even more. And now we have to pay for the boarding school…
I stopped again.
I didn’t ask to be sent here.
Everything was my fault in my father’s eyes.
The words blurred together on the page as tears filled my eyes. My chest tightened until it felt like someone had wrapped a belt around my ribs and pulled it one notch at a time. I tried to take a full breath and couldn’t.
Seven weeks. Seven weeks of waiting to hear from my parents, only to learn that my absence had improved their lives.
I lowered the papers into my lap and stared at the floor as tears slid down my face.
“Hey kiddo, just take a moment. I know this is hard to read, but it is so necessary for your progress that we get through this.” Kevin said in a soothing voice.
I composed myself the best I could and continued to read;
These financial hardships have set me back many years. I am the sole provider for this family and have been for the past 18 years. I believe I will be able to make it through this, but I am working more hours per week than I ever have.
Lastly I want you to know that this letter has been extremely hard to write, to take a step back and see how you have negatively affected my life. Regardless, I will always see you as my little girl. I truly hope that this boarding school will bring you to see your full potential as a child of God,
Love dad.
I stared at the final words.
I had spent seven weeks imagining what my parents might say once they finally wrote. Part of me had hoped they would tell me they missed me. That they loved me. That they were proud of me for hanging on.
Instead, I had just listened to a list of ways my existence had damaged the people I loved most.
I folded the pages back together and placed them in my lap.
For the first time since arriving at the school, I wondered if everyone would be better off if I simply disappeared.
I handed my dad’s letter back to Kevin.
My eyes still stung from crying.
Part of me hoped my mom’s letter would be different. My mom had always been the one I went to when I was scared or hurting. Maybe she would explain why they sent me here. Maybe she would tell me she missed me.
Kevin slid the second set of pages across the desk.
I wiped my eyes, took a shaky breath, and began to read.
Dear Hanna,
I’m not sure where to begin but I will try to put these last two years into words that you will understand. It has been so nice around here lately without all the stress and drama you brought into our day. It has taken me these last several weeks to de-stress and I am just now beginning to breathe again. Always wondering if you were okay or not was so exhausting it was making me physically ill.
Since you’ve been gone these past several weeks, your brother and I are t walking again. We actually have entire conversations now! Your attention seeking behavior was ruining my relationship with my son.
I stared at the words on the page.
I loved my brother.
Even after everything that had happened, I never wanted him to suffer because of me.
Now I was being told that not only had I made my parents miserable, I had stolen something from him too. Time. Attention. A normal childhood.
The guilt settled over me like a heavy blanket.
Maybe they were right.
I continued to read;
I had to cancel my Christimas party because you were suicidal and ended up in the hospital. We also had to cancel our Christmas trip plans with your grandparents and aunt and uncle. That was so painful for me because this was your brother’s last Christmas under our roof before he turns 18 and moves out. We couldn’t rely on you to be stable enough for the trip and we knew you would make the trip miserable instead of fun and relaxing like it should have been.
I was so consumed with your problems and trying to figure out how to help you that I gave up on my triathlon and marathon goals because I didn’t have the energy to train.
I want you to know that we love you so much. You were an answer to prayer the moment I found out I was having a girl. I hope this school helps you find your place in the world and that I once again can say I am proud to be your mother.
Love forever,
Mom
I read the last line twice.
Love forever.
The words didn’t match the rest of the letter.
My mom loved me. I knew she did.
But as I sat there holding the pages, all I could think about was everything I had supposedly taken from her. Her health. Her relationship with my brother. Christmas. Family vacations. Her goals. Her happiness.
I felt smaller with every page.
By the time I finished reading, I wasn’t crying anymore.
I just felt empty.
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I think this is good progress for the day
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@Batik21 here is my writing thread
I don’t see it?
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