What a horrendous Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tueaday, today… maybe tomorrow too…
Ive noticed onthe days Im virtually symptom free, and my cognition is better; I am able to proccess my life (past, present and future) and everything Ive failed at or get wrong. Terrible things aIve said and done to my wife, who is a saint.
The feelings leave me with an over sense of guilt and lowness . I then become suicidal. So bad recently that wife had to stay home.
Psych have given me Klonopin to take twice a day and it keeps me calm. Otherwise Im deeply emotional and consumed with guilt. Very tearful.
My wife is being highly supportive. Im not alone. But I feel dreadful.
Be compassionate with yourself. All of those things that you feel that you’ve failed at or got wrong are road signs of how to live your life now. For example, instead of ruminating about terrible things you’ve done to your wife in the past, what can you do now? You can tell your wife that you love her first thing in the morning, and you can tell your wife that you love her last thing at night. You can buy her flowers. You can cook for her. You can clean for her, etc. Dwelling on our regrets is easier than changing things in the present.
Thats what we do. Very intimate and close. Deep love. It’s been that way for many years. Things are actually very very good between us.
But… once in a while… I look back at the harm Ive caused (from over 10 years ago). The suffering. And it kills me. I go from being this loud jolly character, to a bag of nerves and tears.
You could ask me at any time about the past, and it’ll make me emotional. But not to where Im consumed and devastated. Thats rare - but this week is one of those rare ones.
hello banjo, i dont know if it helps since you are a christian but what helped me with this is the philosophy of nietzsche. i dont know if it is compatible. but your actions led you to become the person you are today without that you would not be the same person. maybe if you can find comfort who you are today you can accept the past as a stepping stone in the proces of becoming who you truly are.
We are well versed with philosophy, so it’s ok - compatible or not, I can draw from it.
It’s totally correct. I wouldn’t be where I am today if it had not been for those experiences. Our love is stronger, our bonds are stronger… but I still an awful guilt and sense of despair. Lamenting.
Thank you @Qwerty that means a lot. I carry the guilt and shame daily, but it usually motivates me and plays no impact on my day. These last few days its been a source of great anxiety and sadness.
